Captain Obvious Strikes Again!
by Charles Figgler
Post Cleveland Reporter
October 15, 2006

The local disestablishmentarian menace, Captain Obvious, struck again in a downtown Cleveland parking garage Saturday night.
Once again, this reporter was first on the scene of the handy work of the man that some regard as a hero, others consider a terrorist.
This time he vandalized two dozen SUVs in a parking garage adjacent to the Tower City Center and Renaissance Hotel.
All of the vehicles, which donned “Support Our Troops” and “God Bless America” ribbon-shaped magnets, had the word “DUH” spray-painted on over their magnets and paint jobs.
This was the third time Captain Obvious targeted cars with patriotic magnets.
“As you recall, we had 47 complaints the fist week of July,” said Mentor Police Chief Daniel Llewellyn. “all from people who had parked at the Great Lakes Mall. Their car ribbons had been replaced with identical looking ribbons that said ‘Support the Magnetic Ribbon Industry’ and ‘Bush Exploited 9/11.’ There were probably a lot more victims who never noticed the difference.”
Captain Obvious is also believed to have replaced American flag magnets with flag magnets of different nationalities on 32 cars at the Lake County Captains’ Classic Park in Eastlake on August 18.
Captain Obvious’ most ambitious attack remains to be the September strike against the Cleveland Heights Police Department, which had been accused by dozens of citizens of writing tickets for legally parked cars.
“We still have no information on how the perpetrator removed the parking boots from citizens’ cars that month,” said Detective John Hudson, “or how he managed to lock them on 13 police cars without being seen. The investigation is on-going.”


Charles Figgler Is an Award-Winning Jack Ass
by Cynthia Figgler
Post Cleveland Reporter
October 15, 2006

Last night I was humiliated, once again, by my husband at the annual Society of Professional Journalists’ Regional Awards.
I accompanied Charles, who had been nominated for an SPJ Award, to the ceremony at the Renaissance Hotel.
We sat through the dinner and were halfway through the awards when Charles got that look in his eyes and started getting antsy.
He got up and “went to the restroom” right before they got to his category.
They announced Charles’ name and he wasn’t there- just a spotlight on an empty seat next to me.
It was so embarrassing.
The saddest part is that this is typical.
Charles has always been a scatterbrain.
The man has no attention span.
He’s always wandering off at important moments.
He’s so inconsiderate.
I love Charles, but he’s not even that good of a reporter.
I’m a better reporter that he is.
The only reason he was receiving this award was because he named the local vandal “Captain Obvious,” who, for all we know, could be a whole gang of hoodlums.
Charles came back as the event was ending, all excited about another Captain Obvious strike.
Who cares?
How could you embarrass me like that?
And why did you smell like paint?
Jackass.

submit to reddit

 
 
 
Is P.F. Jones?