Captain Obvious and
the Manger of Truth
Post Cleveland Reporter
December 26, 2006
The suburban anarchist known only as Captain Obvious struck Christmas morning in what may not only be his highest-profiled, but also his most controversial, attack yet.
The nativity display in front of First Presbyterian Church on Euclid Avenue was sabotaged by Obvious early Saturday morning.
A banner hung over the manger exclaiming, “If you must believe, believe the truth!”
Inside the manger, a calendar hung on the wall stating it was the 14th of April in 5 B.C., rather than December 25th of the year 0.
The three wisemen were taken out of the manger and placed on the outskirts of the scene along with sheep and a goat to represent shepherds.
This is likely because the only place the Magi were mentioned was in Mathew’s Gospel, and the undisclosed number of kings visited their house, not the manger.
Shoe polish was used to give all of the white statues blackface.
And finally, a dozen live cows, which were stolen from a farm on Rt. 44, were placed in the manger around Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus.
“It’s awful, the whole set is ruined,” Minister Chuck Wallace said. “The whole thing smells like cow dung and I’ve tried taking the shoe polish off, but it stained the statues. They’ll never look Caucasian again.”
“We’re used to the growing debate on public displays of nativity scenes,” said Cleveland Chief of Police Michael McGrath, “but this was a malicious act. The fact that it was done to a church on Christmas morning, I’d say, makes it a hate crime.”
Duane Schliep was pastor of Rehobeth Baptist Church in Lawley, Ala., until it was burned down Feb. 3, 2006, during a string of nine racially-fueled fires set by a trio of college students.
When he heard of the “hate crime” label Chief McGrath gave Captain Obvious’ antics, Schliep said, “He called it a what?”
