Man Struggles to Find Any
Coverage of 9/11 Anniversary

Jeffery Konigg, 27, spent hours Sunday afternoon looking for any mention of the 10th anniversary of September 11th on television, only to end up disappointed.
"I figured there would be something about it, but nope. Nada," said Konigg.
He said he was surprised that none of the major networks or cable news outlets found the anniversary noteworthy.
"I know football's important, but wasn't this supposed to be our Pearl Harbor?" asked Konigg.
He even checked to see if the History Channel was re-airing old 9/11 specials, but found an "Ancient Alien" marathon instead.
"Screw it. I guess I'll drink a beer and watch the game."

Bush Admits He Thought of 'Dilbert'
Cancellation for Seven Minutes
Man Sure
He'd Be
Famous by
Now If He'd
Performed
at 9/11
Open Mic
President George W. Bush admitted that he spent those iconic seven motionless minutes on September 11th thinking of the animated UPN series "Dilbert."
"It was just so funny," recalled Bush, "I used to think about it when I was sad."
President Bush said he could tell from the panic in the room that this was serious, and chose to go to his "happy place."
"It was even better than the comic strip. I couldn't believe it when they cancelled it."
Bush said he was thoroughly lost thinking about Dogbert's antics when he remembered there was a problem and finally got up.
"Dilbert" creator Scott Adams was unavailable for comment.
Henry Weltlich, 37, is sure he'd be a rich and famous stand-up comedian by now if he'd performed at Flinty's "Open Mic Night" on September 11, 2001.
"It was going to be my big break," Weltlich insisted of the 15-minute set of guitar-aided stand-up he had prepared.
After the terrorist attacks, Weltlich said he fell into a well of anxiety and depression that precluded him from public speaking.
"I just kept on working at Starbucks," he lamented sadly.
Weltlich, now an assistant manager, said he is pushing his boss for their own open-mic night.
He's also hoping to create a comedic-music podcast soon, which could include as much as 10 minutes of new material.

'Larry the
Cable Guy'
Secretly Greatful
for September 11th


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Daniel Whitney, more commonly known by his stage name, "Larry the Cable Guy," was overheard drunkenly thanking God Saturday for the terrorist attack on September 11, 2001.
"Thank you for freaking everbody out on 9/11," Whitney called out to the night sky behind the Deluth, Minnesota Red Lobster.
"Ignorant nationalism has made me
rich!" he yelled to spectators in the parking lot.
Whitney, a largely unsuccessful stand-up comic and radio personality throughout the 1990s, struck comedic gold in 2001 when he learned to play on crowds' fear and xenophobia.
"I can pay some lackie to write me twenty minutes of raghead jokes and make millions telling them!"
Whitney said he has no fear of being pigeon-holed as a remedial one-schtick pony.
"Americans are suckers," said Whitney. "All they remember is I'm a patriot, and they feel patroitic for liking me."

Asshole 'Proud' to Be 1st
9/11 Memorial Streaker

Some first-class douchebag actually said he was "proud" to be the first person to run nude through the September 11th Memorial in the World Trade Center Plaza Monday afternoon.
"I'm the proudest man in the world!" yell Nick Mallard, a store clerk from Trenton, before NYPD officers tased him in the Tower 1 reflecting pool.
This asshole waited eight whole days after the memorial opened before he desicrated the memories of 3,000 slain Americans.
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