Greasy Doesn't Mind Our Little Spill in the Gulf
A duck covered with oil from the JP spill in the Gulf of Mexico communicated his desire for environmentalists to "fuck off." The duck, nicknamed "Greasy," caught the eyes of conservationists...
Attention Pirates: Our Tankers
S H O O T- B A C K

We want to let stockholders and would-be pirates know that JP tankers will fire on any aggressors they meet on he high seas.

JP Is Looking for
a New C.E.O.!

After creating the worst ecological disaster in this country's history, a few of JP's executives went "missing," and the president has told us to "move on."
Ergo, we're on the market for a new C.E.O. to replace Ryan Hosier (RIP).
We're looking for a figurehead, mostly, since noone here wants to make decisions and have a public face... more
It's HQ
to Saudi

Our Unprecedented Oil
Profits Have Nothing
to Do with Your
Unprecedened Gas Cost

With the troubled economy, wars and speculation in the energy market, the cost of a barrel of crude oil has skyrocketed. more

Jones Petroleum is moving its headquarters to Riyadh.
That's great news for our stockholders.
This will mean more centralized control of our global operations, particularly with the growing markets in China, Russia and India... more

we're working on alernative
energy solutions, too.
we swear!

Tyrannical Dictator Chavez
Seizes Venezuelan Oilfields

The vicious, fascist and probably cannablistic Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez betrayed decades-old business deals when he took over JP oil fields in the name of "nationalization." more


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