Cellular Issues


So What If We're Saving Your Old
Text Messages In a Big Database?

Keep Track of Your Kids
The way the Government
Keeps Track of Y-
Keep Track of Your Kids!

GPS is a wonderful thing.
For years we've been using it to track shipments and stolen cars.
Now you can use it to low-jack little Johnny or Suzi.
You don't need to establish any genuine kind of trust when you know where she is at any given moment.
And just because Suzi spends three hours at Cindy's house doesn't mean you know what they're doing.
Is she studying chemistry, snorting meth or trying out Suzi's sex toys?
You'll never know.
Besides- how do you know she hasn't gotten wise, left the phone at Cindy's, crawled out a window and gone to the mall where she's blowing strangers in the food court restroom for shoe money?

Now With
Fewer Tumors!

We at Jones Mobile would like to assure all current and future cellular phone subscribers that their phones will most likely not cause them brain cancer.
Pay no attention to studies that found chromosal changes in blood cells subjected to the same type of electromagnetic radiation emitted by hand-held cell phones.
So what if an epidemiological study showed cell phone users have three times more incidents of neurocytomas, a type of cancer that grows inward from the periphery of the brain.
And so what if a study found that right-handed cell phone users tended to grow brain tumors on the right side of their brains?

Remember that text you sent, thinking it would just hit your friend's phone and then dissipate into the ethos? Yeah?
Well- good news!
We're saving it, along with billions of others, in our massive computer banks.
Don't worry- we would never violate your privacy by reading them or selling them to third parties.
Unless, of course, we received a federal subpeona to disclose them- even if it's later found to be unconstitutional.
Or if someone hacked us.
All we do with the old texts is demographical market research.
So if we, let's say, do an algarhythmic key-word search for drug-related terminology in our database and your name comes up, you'll just be listed in that demographic.
Those lists are property of Jones Mobile and our parent company, Internaltional Jones, Inc.
If we, say, chose to sell those lists to other companies (or government agencies), those companies could, theoretically, cross-reference our lists with lists they've made, as well as with your credit report, criminal record, MySpace and Facebook associates, Amazon.com purchases, porn preferences from tracking cookies, Netflix movie cue, grocery purchases, gas consumption and latenight ATM withdrawals to draw up a profile that could not only identify your favorite band, but the very thing that haunts your dreams at night. (go to Text My Dealer)
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