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Whether you're selling, buying or cashing in on families' forclosure tragedies, we're your realtor!

After cornering the investment and banking markets, Jones Acquisitions decided they needed to complete the trifecta, and conquer the morgage market as well.
Enter Jackal's Den- the leader in subpri- er, "equal opportunity" mortgage lending.
In a glorious defilement of the Glass–Steagall Act, we package J.D. forclosure properties into secured investment vehicles, or SIVs, that JonesTrade sells on the open market.
To put it another way, you know that shitty house on the
end of your block?
The one that just evicted another family and/or meth lab?
Well, it's on the market for $100,000- a price at which it will never sell.
Anywho- we say it's worth $200,000 and package it with a bunch of other shitty mortgages into a SIV to sell to the Chinese.
We actually convince them that the SIV will go up in value!
Then we take the investors' money and bet it against the SIVs succeeding.
Can you believe it's legal to do that?
If the Chinese come collecting, all we could really give them is that shitty real estate.
(more likely we'd just ask the government for a bail-out loan)
Most of the company's wealth is made up, anyway.
It's not fake, mind you- it exists as long as you believe us when we say it exists.
It doesn't matter.
Even if our house of cards come crumbling down and the economy collapses, the multi-million dollar bonuses we gave ourselves are quite real.
So, you know- we'll get by. more

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FINANCIAL NEWS

Jones Acquisitions
to Receive
Bail-Out Package

Congress has voted to give Jones Acquisitions a bail-out package of $22 billion, despite the fact that we didn't ask for one. more

The Chinese Are Willing to Buy American Stock
It's true.
The Chinese government, which has always been willing to buy U.S. T-bonds, has recently begun investing directly in theU.S. stock market...
more

The Mortgage Meltdown Is Almost
Completely Not Our Fault (read more)

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Congress Bails-out Christmas (read more)

Jones Trust Branch Fends Off Robbery

International Jones, Inc. ~ Jones Acquisitions ~ Jones Trust Bank ~ JonesTrade ~ Jackal's Den ~ return to Morning After