In a surprise move Monday, the Church of Scientology severed all ties with one of its most visible and highest ranking members, Tom Cruise.
"While we appreciate Tom's love and support of the Church for all these years," said David Miscavige, Chairman of Religious Technology Center, " we no longer feel his expression and behavior are in line with Church teachings."
Cruise had a different interpretation of the event.
"The establishment is afraid of me," said an energetically disgruntled Cruise.
"Now that they've taken my millions and shared all of their secrets, they're afraid of how powerful I've become."
He may have a point.
The Church's announcement came on the heels of Friday's newsflash that Gemstone Pictures was selling Cruise the rights to 'RoboNinja', a film they've wasted four years and $100s of millions on, for just $1.00.
Both studio execs and church elders feared rumors that Cruise's perpetual rewrites were morphing 'RoboNinja' into the new testament of Scientology.
"They were afraid it would become the Church of Tom," said an annonymous church insider under fear of assassination.
"That's absurd," said Cruise, who has already applied for tax-exempt status for 14 "RoboNinja Enlightenment Centers" set to open across the nation next year.
"The centers are about people using the idea of RoboNinja to break down and reconstitute their self-concepts. That's all."
"I'm no prophet," said Cruise, "I'm just a guy trying to make the all-American movie."