|by Conner Banks
Post Manhattan Reporter
August 3, 2012
Nicolas Cage will star in some piece of shit movie this Fall made by the whores at Gemstone Pictures.
They spent $100s of millions on action sequences to distract you away from an unintelligibly shitty plotline.
Cage sounded as if he was delivering lines written in someone's second language, but apparently that was just his "acting style."
"Actually, Nick decided he would deliver all of his lines in this film ironically," is the only quote I'm going to use from the spineless Joel Shumacher.
Is he a director or a waiter?
Opposite Cage was some vapid bimbo with the range of a Nerf air-pellet.
Seriously, she read her lines like she got called on in her sixth-grade Enlish class and had the empty eyes of a stripper during a lapdance.
Regardless, she and Cage's non-chemistry somehow lead to a sex scene in the third act at a moment in life WHEN NO ONE WOULD HAVE SEX!
But she just couldn't stop herself from bedding this bumbling 58-year-old baffoon when people were trying to kill them both.
I was disappointed by the end in that, by then, I wanted them both to die excruciating deaths and they didn't.
Oops, I mean- SPOILER ALERT!
Anyone who intentionally goes to this movie should have their fucking head examined.
SO... this is what you get when you ask me to shill for a company movie, Harvey -CB
TELL THE COPY DESK TO EDIT THIS INTO SOMETHING PRINTABLE -HW
watch "Thundersmack" trailer
Other Gemstone Pictures: