You've had a very public rivalry with Tom Cruise since your tell-all Tomland came out. Did you anticipate that when writing the book?
No, not really. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to Mr. Cruise, his family and any associates I may have hurt or offended with my little joke book. It was not intended.
Is that why you cancelled your book tour?
Is it true you've spent millions of your own money buying back copies of Tomland?
Well, it's complicated, you see. There were defects in that printing that we needed to correct...
So you no longer stand by your accounts of Cruise in the book?
No, not at all. I... I got carried away, you see. I was just trying to be funny.
Why the sudden bow to Cruise's wishes? Did he threaten to sue?
What? No! Tom's a great guy. He wouldn't do that.
Then why the about-face?
It's not! I just wanted to clear up-
What are you afraid of?
He's got my family! (bursts into tears) I just want them returned safely.
Are you saying Tom Cruise has abducted your family?
I'm not saying anything. I just want my Pop-pop and Nanna back.
Have you contacted the police?
Why? Nothing's happened. (wipes away tears) I just want to say that where ever my little niece Suzi is, and whoever she's with, I hope she continues to get her insulin on time.
Is the Church of Scientology involved?
Of course not! (whispers) They have people everywhere!
Have you thought of what you're going to do?
I don't know. I don't want to be in movies anymore.
This is awkward, but- will you sign my copy of Tomland?
No. (sniffles, pulls out wallet) But I'd be happy to buy it back at full price.
No, I wouldn't want to part-
He'll kill Nanna!
Okay, okay. Take it.
I hope things improve for you.
I'm in Hell, Heather. Pure Hell. (tears up again) Could you hold me?