I Got the
St. Louis Blues
1955 to present
My Dearest Readers
I come to you with my most disturbing discovery yet.
As you know, I had vowed to bring down my boss, P.F. Jones, for his eventual conquest and destruction of the world as we know it.
In this instance, I decided I would erase him from existence for the greater good of humanity.
I obviously have to preface this with some reassurances for my readers.
First of all, many of you have come to think of P.F. Jones as one of the good guys for his years of advocacy journalism, humanitarian efforts and millions in charitable contributions.
Put all of that out of your mind.
Maybe he once was that man- I don't know.
What I do know is that power corrupts, and P.F. Jones comes to be one of the most powerfully corrupt rulers in the history of humanity, and humanity pays dearly for his evil deeds.
Alright, not to muddle up the timeline, but I will tell you this- He switches sides and runs as a Republican.
Oh, and all of you geeks who think I can't eliminate the man who would go on to provide me with the time machine in the first place, you should know you have a very naive concept of temporal mechanics.
You should also know that I decided to eliminate Jones in the most humane way possible- by interrupting his conception.
I've taken out a lot of people in the last few months (years? I'm not sure any more) and, believe me, that's the least messy.
To do the deed I had to travel back to the poor part of St. Louis in 1955.
Those were some mean streets.
I got shot and stabbed twice, and that was just Jones' mom.
So, I aborted P.F. as planned and came back to 2007 to see the results.
It was what I expected- at first.
With no Morning After Post, the family-owned Morning Star Gazette chain of papers still flourished in the northeast and bible belt, while Gannett’s USA Today was the biggest national newspaper.
With no ABS, the TV landscape was a bit different.
UPN was the most popular network on TV and the WB had never even existed.
And with no Jones Mobile, Cingular had gotten so big that it bought AT&T. Can you imagine?
These are all the type of changes I expected in the timeline.
But then I started noticing other changes.
First I noticed there were no Burger Kings.
Well, actually I noticed that Tim Horton franchises had run rampant across the country, and then I noticed that there were no Burger Kings.
The point is that P.F. had nothing to do with the BK empire. How could his absence affect it?
Also, Starbuck's was called Apollo's Coffee and Dairy Queen was vegan.
Then there were the cultural changes.
Ghetto kids wore their shirts backward, but their hats were on straight.
Narcs were called tweakers. Cokeheads were called snowmen. Potheads were called narcs.
Hawaii wasn't a state.
Apparently, we apologized to Japan in 1991 for provoking them into war a half century earlier with our threatening, Pacific-island military outpost.
Al Gore beat John McCain in the 2000 presidential election.
George W. Bush shined as the most popular commissioner of Major League Baseball ever, and the terrorist acts of September 11th never occurred.
Obviously, I couldn't leave the timeline like that.
Not without understanding what was going on better, at least.
So I restored P.F.'s birth.
But before I put things back the way they were, I took a look at the list of Pulitzer Prize winners to see what replaced Jones' prize-winning stories.
The names were different, but both stories were the same.
I don't mean both reporters wrote on the same subject matter as P.F. Jones, I mean BOTH STORIES WERE THE SAME, VERBATUM, FROM THE TITLE TO THE LAST PERIOD.
How could that be?
Did P.F. plagiarize his two Pulitzers? If so, how?
Why was life without Jones and his empire so drastically different?
How did he interweave himself throughout our reality like that?
Why, during the course of his professional life, did everything America had sought to achieve begin to fall apart.
Why did the distablization speed up around the turn of the century?
For that matter, how did he earn his billions so quickly?
When I look at the course of Jones' life, it's almost as if all of the events were precisely calculated to allow him to conquer the world.
I promised I would protect humanity from P.F. Jones and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
It's just going to take longer than I thought.
UFO Photographed Over St. Louis
by Sheryl Dodson
Morning Star Gazzette
July 26, 1964
An unidentifiable flying object was photograghed over the nearly-completed Arch project late Monday afternoon.
The photographs, taken by amateur Ron Woods, settle a decade of urban legends about the "jet-blimp" that's been buzzing the St. Louis skyline.
The aircraft ressembles the "Commie Airship" that was used to assassinate President Kennedy and created a global alien scare last November, and now has the Secret Service involved...