Hammered at a Wedding
Time Traveler Ruins
by Chrone Osphere
|by Philip Waters
July 31, 2010
||I hit P.F. Jones with a hammer today, and, God, did it feel good!
I haven't had much luck capturing, killing or erasing Jones, so I've taken to embarrassing him across the space-time continuum.
Now, everyone knows P.F. Jones became an absentee CEO around 2004, and has been a recluse ever since.
What they don't know is that the pre- and post-2004 Jones are two distinct men.
That doesn't make sense, even to me, since I'm sure he's had his time machine for decades.
The pre-2004 Jones is naive -not innocent, mind you, just naive- and seems to believe his own bullshit.
The other Jones, my Jones, has the empty eyes and travels the timeline trying to take over the world.
So the one that's easy to get to, the pre-2004 Jones, isn't really worth my time.
My Jones has fewer appearances on the grid.
So when I saw, "7/31/2010- gives toast at Chelsea Clinton's wedding," I thought, that'll do.
Why should that monster get to enjoy polite society?
|Anyway, experience has told me that the less planning I do the better, so I just set Time Ship 1 down in barn in upstate New York and grabbed a hammer.
I got there just in time to see him raise his glass.
"I'd like to congratulate the happy cou- FUCK!"
The "thud" of the hammer hitting his bald head was exquisite.
He turned and was ready to kill me, but knew he was standing in front of hundreds of America's movers and shakers.
So he had to run.
I pursued, hammering away.
In the distance, President Obama cackled with laughter.
Some skinny runt jumped between me and Jones, so I punched him in the face.
Jones had gotten some distance and secret service was closing in on me.
I hate secret service.
So I retreated back to the barn and fired up the time ship via remote.
I got out of there without any trouble, so- MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Though my hand kind of hurts.
I think I broke it on that little twerp's face.
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