I knew that if I really wanted to put fear in the 21st century American consciousness, I had to attack the pop culture, and boy did it work!
Some idiots even hired John Cusack to bring my derranged vision to life (in 2009, though- I wish they could have waited and not just blown their $200 million load prematurely).
FUCK YOU- you deserved it, all of you!
(Are you recording, PITA? Good)
YOU deserved it for being so dam gullible!
I know it doesn't make sense to you that I'm speaking in past tense about something that hasn't happened yet. Just deal with it, linears. I'm a time god and I've been drinking.
I got you all!
You should have seen the looks on your stupid faces!
You totally thought the world was going to end!
That was totally worth the last ten months of my life.
Behold- the Mayan Calendar Doomsday Prophecy! I know it may not sound like a big deal in 2008.
But after you elect the black guy (oops- SPOILER ALERT), it's all any of you will talk about.
Reactions varied a little throughout different timelines, but you or someone you know probably FREAKED THE FUCK OUT! OR WILL, whatever.
I actually started this phase in 1971, when I got Terrence McKenna to drink Patron all night while we talked about numerology and how the I Ching mapped out time until a “great transition” in 2012. He may have been on peyote, too. That lifestyle killed him, but not until after he gave the world his “novelty theory.”
Lemme back up.
I started with an ancient culture known for their love of math and astronomy- the Mayans.
Those obsessive-compulsive heathens studied the movement of the Earth, sun and moon when creating their calendar.
They meticulously calculated time as B’ak’tun cycles that stretched millennia into the future.
Many consider the Mayan calendar's accuracy to be prophetic.
(even more so after I tweaked it to identify Europeans arriving in America and World Wars I and II).
Actually, it took little-to-no effort to get the Mayans to set their calendar's "calculations" to end in 2012.
The challenge was arriving in a giant silver time ship and not being the only thing they cared about.
Most of my effort was spent covering up my presence in history, and those assholes on Ancient Aliens still busted me.
The funny thing about the "Mayan" prophecy was that I spent just as much time planting the idea with the Hopi and Aztecs, but no one paid attention to their apocalyptic lore.
Note: the Aztecs throw the best parties ever, so long as you’re not the sacrifice.
You may think I influenced individuals like Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, Mother Shipton, Cumaean Sybil, Myrddin Wyllt (aka Merlin)- but I didn’t.
Oddly enough, every society has someone predicting the end of the world.
They’re called prophets, clairvoyants and psychics.
They should be called lunatics, junkies and frauds.
And most of them love to write in caves.
My point is- there have been so many versions of the apocalypse foretold over the centuries, that a few of them were bound to coincide with the web of doom I was spinning.
Besides, I got way more mileage by influencing modern pop culture. (see right)
In the 1990’s I planted the idea of the Mayan Doomsday prophecy into several writers’ subconscious by whispering it into their ears while they slept.
Only two of them wrote about it at the time, but dozens more books have popped up in the early 21st century.
In January of 2002 I found Chris Carter in a drunken panic over how to wrap up the last season of “X Files.”
I convinced him to set the date for his alien invasion a decade into the future, giving the franchise options.
I said set it on December 21, 2012.
He changed it to December 22, as if that made the idea his own.
(Duchovny was right- Carter can be a disagreeable bastard sometimes.)
He was giddy after he stopped typing.
The man honestly thought he was going to get two more movies out of it.
I slipped Brandon Boyd of Incubus some peyote I got from the Hopi while I talked about the Mayan calendar, and it paid off.
Not only did Boyd work 2012 into the Incubus song “A Certain Shade of Green,” but also the video for “Warning,” which, incidentally, still gives me the creeps every time I watch it.
Once Incubus sang about it, a bunch of copycats like Scar Symmetry, A Day to Remember and Testament jumped on the 2012 bandwagon.
Anyway, it all culminated on December 21, 2012.
Two million people filled the streets around Time Square, counting down to what most pseudo-experts agreed was 11:12 p.m.
They even did the ball-drop!
Everyone gasped with anticipation.
I almost wanted to bring Dick Clark back from the dead.
(sorry about that. enjoy him while he's here.)
As the ball hit the bottom, I blasted the sky with some widespread vortex action.
It was like a Pink Floyd light show, but with two million people shitting themselves.
Then I scorched the word "SUCKERS" across the skyline.
By the time we get to 2010, the 2012 apocalyse will weigh heavily on humanity's collective conscience. There will even be a number of "documentaries" and TV series that promote the idea that 2012 will be the lethal turning point from global warming, magnetic pole reversal, a cometís impact, sunspot radiation, alien invasion or even Christís second-coming. God, I love how stupid you people are.
So, my loyal followers, you're in on the world's greatest joke and get to laugh first.
Well, you're not in on all of it- I still like to hide some things in plain sight.
None of you will figure out what's really going on.
You just know the world won't end in 2012.
You're safe until 2019, when Jones kills you all. (DOUBLE SPOILER!)
SO... BEST HOAX EVER, OR WHAT!
Orson Welles is here in the time ship and he said it was better than his “War of the Worlds” radio scare.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, ORSON?
He can't stop laughing.
REMEMBER TO BREATHE, MAN.
The man cannot stop laughing.
YOU- ORSON, WHAT'S WRONG! ORSON!
OH no no no no no not again.
COME ON, BIG GUY. BREATHE FOR ME.
PITA, BACK TO 1985! AND STOP RECORDING!